Princesses Long Island Recap – Old Yentas from the Shtetl

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Princesses Long Island Recap

Sorry I missed last week’s Episode 3 extravaganza, but the ratings tanked and I asked myself, “Jappy Princess, why bother? No one gives a shit.” Less than 800,000 people watched Episode 3. Seriously. There are THOUSANDS of cat videos on YouTube with more views than that. I could get more people watching a webcast of me stepping on a Ken Doll in high heels, and they’ll pay for the privilege.

Well apparently, someone watches, because I was flooded with requests to continue watching this turd and recap. So be it people. Don’t say I never did anything for you. And last week’s episode got almost a million viewers, which is better than before, but still less people than live in San Jose.

The Princesses rise from the dead!

I’ll begin with the Previouslies, since we missed last week, and I’d like to make two observations about it:

First Observation: Have there ever been two single girls with less game than Coco and The Fidget? They haven’t the slightest idea how to talk to a man who isn’t their father. First, they are at some cafe and call two guys over and have the most boring chit-chat in the history of chit-chat. Then, they go to some daytime club-thingy, and melt all over some poor, dumb schlub. Like teenage girls and Beiber. Then The Fidget CALLS HER FATHER to tell him about it on speaker phone with the dumbfounded dude sitting right there. As if this isn’t bad enough, Coco grabs the phone and starts telling Fidget Father (who I think is gay, but I’ll get to that later), that of course this guy will convert to Judaism. Right in front of him! Mind-boggling. Coco is like an old Jewish yenta from the shtetl trapped in a younger woman’s body. I think I may find her the most frightening. Joey has the decency to be completely mortified by all this.

Second Observation: Erica, besides being a heinous, backbiting cow, with zero to back any of it up, does a lot of coke or meth, and you can throw in alcoholic and pill-popper while you’re at it. Seriously, this girl has a substance abuse problem. More on this later.

Sorry, had to get that off my chest, If you like, you can purchase picture sets of my chest on Niteflirt.

On to Episode 4!

The episode, as always, starts off with a whimper, not a bang. Who edits this shit? Start with something interesting, for fuck sake!

Coco goes to meet Amanda at Babs’ store or the retail place she works in Great Nose. They are shopping for new dresses for The Fidget’s 30th birthday. The Fidget either looks like she’s 6 or 60, but definitely not 30. Coco tells Amanda about her ex-boyfriend, who left her for a nineteen-year-old, because the producers have set up a confrontation with him later, and they need Coco to do some exposition up front so we know what is happening when it happens. Thrilling!!!

They try on some dresses and act like they look good in them. They dance around and pretend that they aren’t white girls with no rhythm. Coco again refers to herself in the third person, which is just weird when someone who isn’t a professional athlete does it. Coco seems to think she’s two people: Chanel, the good orthodox jewess and Coco, the party girl. Kind of like Beyonce and Sasha Fierce. But not. Both Chanel and Coco are old yentas at heart.

Over at Chez Fidget, preparations are underway for the big party. The Fidget gets her makeup done, when Fidget Mom and Dad come downstairs with a surprise: it’s an engagement ring! Yes, you just read that, her father gave her an engagement ring (wreaks of David Yurman). I am so sick. They are twisted.

Now party time approaches and Erica, who amazingly is still sober at 7:45, and Joey are driven to the big party. Erica looks particularly orange in the back of the SUV. They get to the party, and the club is in a shopping center. Is there anything more Long Island than that?

They go on in and of course head straight for the bar, because. On the way, they a waylaid by a half-naked male model who has crudités and hummus hanging from his jock. Super classy.

And finally, eight minutes into this mess, I finally get my favorite fegalah, Jeff, who sashays in with Amanda. Coco and Casey arrive, and Coco immediately drops some Yiddish, because she is an old yenta from the shtetl. The Fidget shows off her engagement ring, but Joey understands that your sugar daddy and your daddy should be different people. Coco drops some more Yiddish, because she is an old yenta from the shtetl. Erica and Casey try to be nice to each other, in an ice-cold sort of way. Best. Party. Ever.

They discuss the hummus-bearer, and Amanda reveals that Jeff was the first to go for the hummus hanging on some guy’s cock. Amanda, I want you to record yourself talking about Jeff, and then play it back so you can hear this shit. Jeff laughs just a little too loudly for comfort. Awkward.

The party gets going, by which I mean people are mostly just standing around. Erica, whose boyfriend, Rob, is not attending, starts hitting on some random mook at the bar, because she cannot stand to be without male attention for five minutes. She sweats profusely, and tells him that she’s “hot as balls”, most likely because of the coke she was doing in the bathroom just before.

Then Coco drops some more Yiddish, because she is desperate for everyone to know what an old yenta from the shtetl she is.

The Fidget gives the most boring birthday speech in the history of birthday speeches. And that’s the party. The high point was Jeff dipping his asparagus into some guy’s jock. Good god.

After the break, Erica and Rob play tennis, and they are as bad at that as they are at being on a Bravo reality show. They sit and chat and Erica is shocked, simply shocked, that Rob doesn’t trust her when she goes out without him. Maybe that’s because you always hit on guys when that happens? Maybe because he grew up around you and knows that you fucked half the guys in Nassau County and are working on finishing the job? Nah, couldn’t be, he must be some sort of jealous weirdo.

Coco is at home, all dressed up and doing housework. Gee, this scene doesn’t feel set up at all. The phone rings, and it’s her ex-boyfriend, who is outside and wants to talk. She goes outside, they have a pointless argument that goes nowhere, and then she storms back inside crying and her dad comforts her. It’s a touching moment, all for Bravo’s cameras, and not set up at all I tell you! The boyfriend gives new meaning to the word nebbish, but just the kind of cruel orthodox shmendrick she will wind up with.

Now, the meat of the episode: the Princesses go to Jewish Singles Camp. Of course, The Fidget, from Desperation Central, is the one who set it up. It’s The Fidget, Coco, Joey and Casey, all piled into Coco’s Bimmer with the cameraman in the passenger seat. They drive up and bore me to death with their conversations, which are new versions of every conversation we’ve already seen them have.

We break back to Amanda and Babs’ house, where we see a photo of them where they are so bronzed they look like black ladies. And there’s also a painting of the two of them that looks like something that hung on the walls of the Overlook Hotel in The Shining. They are getting ready to go out clubbing together, which they do a lot. Taylor, Amanda’s 19-year-old sister, comes in and, despite the overbite and annoying nasal whine, is pretty fucking hot. Babs gets her flask ready to take to the bar with her, because — classy! The three hens nasally whine at each other of a while, and then Amanda and Babs head out. Babs makes me sad.

Back to the Princesses driving up to Single Jew Camp, and The Fidget’s father calls to warn of torrential storms coming. Coco comments that she loves that Fidget Father is “just like one of the girls.” I think she may have hit it right on the head. But dad was not just whistling Dixie, the next call is from the Jew Camp, who are canceling the affair due to weather. The Fidget is really rude to the guy on the phone, because she treats people like objects.

After the break, The Fidget is freaking out, but the other girls want to go to a local bar. The Princesses have obviously never been in a real bar before. The Fidget walks around asking every guy in the room if they are Jewish. Coco drops the word schvitz for the third time in 31 minutes of airtime. They dance like white girls, except for Casey who sits at the bar by herself and sulks. She admits that she like to do this. Coco refers to herself in the third person again.

Back on Long Island, Babs and Amanda arrive at the club. Babs seems to know every mook there, and why not? Erica arrives, and seems sober for this hour, but that’s soon to change. They sit down at a table and Erica comments that her champagne “goes too quickly.” I wonder why. Some mooks come over to the table and this is where Erica the coke whore really comes out. The sweating, the fast-talking, the teeth grinding — this girl is as high as the Space Station. She flirts with the mooks, touches them and kisses them. Why is Rob worried?

Back up in Connecticut, the other Princesses are hitting on the bartender. He’s not jewish, though. “Fuck no!” he says when The Fidget asks.

Back on LI, Erica is sweating, talking fast and touching her nose a lot. She flirts some more. She thinks guys open up to her because she’s a good conversationalist, not because she acts like a coked-up whore.

In Connecticut, the Princesses stay in a motel, and The Fidget has of course brought her own sheets. There’s a stain on the sheets and she goes to the bathroom and throws up. What a prize she is.

Back at the club, Erica grinds her teeth some more and flirts some more. Amanda tells her to cool it. In response, Erica gets drunker and walks off with one of the mooks, presumably to do a line of coke off his cock in the parking lot. Classy.

And that’s it! They really know how to keep you wanting more on this show.

TL;DR:

1) These girls got no game.

2) Coco is an incorrigible yenta.

3) Besides being a drunk and a pill-popper, Erica is a coke head.

4) Not nearly enough Jeff in this show.

5) This is the most boring reality show on Bravo. The Housewives are embarrassed to have to share a network with them.

6) There was no hair-pulling.

See you next week!