Princesses Long Island Recap – Bad For The Jews

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Bad for the Jews

There is a recurrent conversation in every Jewish home and it goes like this.

Someone brings up a story in the news, or a person, and someone else, after some consideration, declares it either Good or Bad for the Jews. Everything, at some level, is either Good or Bad for the Jews.

Princesses: Long Island is Bad for the Jews. So very, very Bad.

The Yiddish word for shame is “shanda”. There are different degrees of shanda, for example, “shanda fin kinder” which means we should be ashamed if the children knew. Much worse is “shanda fin goyim”, which, well you get where I’m going here. I can’t believe any shagitz in Kentucky with basic cable can watch this shit and judge me. What we have here is a shanda fin goyim.

I approached the pilot with trepidation, but my worst fears were confirmed before I even hit play on the DVR. The title of the episode is “You Had Me at Shalom”. Good grief.

Where to begin with these korvas? For starters, they’re not even real JAPS. Real unmarried JAPS have apartments on the UES or in Brentwood, they most certainly do not live with their parents. True story.

The first “Princess” we meet is a modern orthodox girl named Chanel, who goes by “Coco”. Yes, I just said that. In her mind, her problem is not that she is a shallow, carping harpy, but that her younger sister is getting married and she doesn’t even have a boyfriend, which is a total shocker. She does, however, have great hair, so there’s that, but she seems to want to ruin it with a series of hideous headbands

Next up is Erica, who is described by Chanel as the LI It Girl back in high school. Suffice to say those days are long fucking gone. Erica lives with her mother, who has either had an horrendous accident or very bad plastic surgery or both. Chanel, who keeps kosher, is stopping by, and they joke about giving her un-kosher meat. How funny!

Chanel shows up and they proceed to drink wine and eat un-kosher meat. Fascinating.

OK, now comes Ashley. She’s 4’9” tall and a tad dramatic. She’s a Daddy’s Girl, and we know that because she gets mani-pedis with daddy. Fucking ick. I wouldn’t even get a mani-pedi with my JAP mom. She refuses to walk out of the nail salon without heels on, so she asks the owner to carry her piggy back. Operative word there is “piggy”. The poor guy actually does it. Vey is mir.

“Princess” Amanda lives in Great Neck (AKA Great Nose) with her mom, who is the Amy Poehler character from Mean Girls. Babs, yes that’s her name, is a frightening mess of bad cosmetic surgery and pre-cancerous moles. Back away from the tanning bed ma’am.

So then Amanda’s boyfriend, Jeff, shows up. He’s so nervous in his first shot, the walk to the house from the curb, that he almost slips on his flop sweat. And Jeff is really the reason why I need to be recapping this shanda fin goyim, because Jeff is most certainly a caller. That’s right, he’s a panty-wearing, sissy-boy, big-black-dildo-sucking fegaleh. So very light in his loafers (without socks). Amanda has no clue. Really now. Jeff is sort of a cross between Kramer from Seinfeld and Zach Quinto, with none of the charm of either of those guys.

We have one more Princess to meet, but she’s more of a Cinderella. She lives in — duh-duh-duh — Freeport, on the South fucking Shore. Ashley is driving to pick up her friend Joey and as far as she’s concerned she might as well be driving through Bed-Stuy. THERE ARE FUCKING BLACK PEOPLE HERE ASHLEY!!! RUN!!! She stops the car and calls her dad for moral support. Seriously. In reality, Freeport is a normal middle-class suburb. Who knew people lived like that?

South Shore Joey is the only one of our gals with a job and without a crazy messed up face. Still, South Shore – ew. They go to get a dress and the store is closed. But Ashley finds a dress anyway! In fact, she finds several dresses! Fascinating.

Then Joey comes over to Erica’s house to drink wine. Fascinating.

The next scene is they gayest thing I’ve seen since yesterday when I had a slave stick a dildo down his throat and up his ass on cam for me. Michael Douglas-Matt Damon buttfucking gay. Jeff accompanies Amanda and her mom as they shop for swimwear. I just felt a little vomit come up in the back of my throat as I typed that. “This is such a cool store, Amanda,” says Jeff as he walks into a women’s swimwear shop. Clearly, he’ll be back later to pick something up for himself. “For most guys,” says Amanda, “staying home, drinking beer, watching football is the perfect day. For Jeff it’s going shopping with me!” Honey, will you just listen to yourself.

Round about this time I’m thinking: “This is a Bravo reality show. When are these bitches gonna start fighting?” Did you say pool party?

All the “Princesses” are there, along with a bunch of fist-pumping douchebags from the South Shore that Joey brought along. Some drunk bitch name Sara from the South Shore shows up, and — what, what? — she knows Jeff from Facebook! She feels compelled to tell Amanda about this, because she thinks Jeff is creepy, which is totally true, and she wants to warn Amanda off. Jeff takes it in stride until Sara calls him a faggot, which, um, YAH. And it’s on. Jeff, being a closet nancy-boy, take huge offense and then there’s some shouting. Ashley cries, because no one is paying enough attention to her. There is more shouting. Chanel tags it with: “This is why we’re all not married.”

Chanel sweetie, this does not even begin to cover the reasons you all are not married.

Princess: Long Island. Bad for the Jews.