Princesses Long Island Recap 2 – This Is Why They Hate Us

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What is there left to say about Bravo? The channel that once brought us Pavarotti now brings us Princesses: Long Island. The latest episode, “Shabbocalypse Now” is of course a new low for TV, but cheer up, there are eight episodes left!

My only reaction, besides pity for whomever had to sit and watch all the footage of these hens, is that this is why they hate us. These girls and their ilk are the reason for anti-semitism, which makes them responsible for everything from the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem to the Holocaust. Fuck, after watching this shit, even I hate the Jews.

I exaggerate only a little.

Before I get to recapping, a note on the show bumpers, which are a quick succession of shots of giant mansions and the LIRR. News Flash: none of these bitches live in a mansion, they live in average North Shore homes with Formica counters from the 80s. I bet there’s still a bathroom with mirrored wallpaper in there somewhere. But I digress.

We start off at the shop where Babs works in Great Nose. They just got a big shipment in. Cavalli! Animal print! Amanda and Babs look at clothes and ogle hideous outfits and even more hideous women. This episode is really off to a great start! Fascinating!

Joey stops by and sort of apologizes for letting her friend call Jeff a faggot, which, duh. Amanda sort of accepts this apology. Will you bitches do something interesting already?

Next up, Chanel and Ashlee, AKA The Fidget, head off to the city to pick up guys at a club. They chat with The Fidget’s parents, and reveal, for about the twentieth time in two episodes, how deeply and pathetically desperate these chicks are. I can still smell it in my living room right now. The Fidget makes the craziest faces, like she is in a constant state of having just smelled shit. Even when she smiles.

Anyway, after forcing The Fidget’s dad to get her brush from upstairs, they head off to go clubbing with a new cast member, Casey. But before Casey shows up at the club, the tranny waitress tells them that it’s gay night, which they couldn’t figure out for themselves even though they have the only vaginas in the room. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, ladies.

Casey shows up and — surprise — she’s not a cow with a hatchet face. But still — fuck, marry, kill the Princesses? Tough one, right? Admit it, you want to kill them all. Casey lives in the city and is a waitress at 1 Oak, which is what the Whiskey Bar used to be. Table-service douchebags and the women who love them.

For some reason, even though they are hunting for husbands, they decide to stay at the gay bar and dance with the queens. Casey leaves, and then nine minutes in to the episode, SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAYS SOMETHING THAT ISN’T POINTLESS.

Chanel reveals to The Fidget that ten fucking years ago, Erica stole Casey’s boyfriend. Will there be hair-pulling? I hope there’s hair-pulling.

After the break, Erica and her boyfriend Rob are double-dating with Amanda and my boy, Jeff. Fuck you Bravo for making me wait 15 minutes for my favorite fegalah. Jeff swishes in, likely from his lace panties riding up his ass. My guess is he was on the phone doing femme-domme within the previous 24 hours.

And now we have our first pointless Manichewitz reference of the evening.

We learn how Amanda and Jeff met. Jeff stalked her for two weeks on the Port Washington Line of the LIRR, went shopping for a new outfit, then chatted her up. Shopping. I love Jeff, he’s the star of the show.

And then there’s Rob, who’s deserves our pity. He pined away for Erica when she was the It Girl and got zero play while she slutted around Nassau County with everyone else’s boyfriend. Now, when she is way the fuck past her prime, but still a stuck up bitch, he gets her. All those years he laid on his back in bed at night, tugging on his tiny cock and thinking of Erica, and now he’s stuck with this worn out, tired old cow. Be careful of what you wish for.

They talk about a Shabbos dinner that Chanel is doing catered in the Hamptons. This will undoubtably be where the hair-pulling will be. Please let there be hair pulling. Then Erica starts kissing Rob, and Jeff is all, “oh shit, that’s what straight guys do,” and he starts kissing Amanda. The whole thing is super gross.

I’m thinking about Jeff’s voice. Gay Al Gore? Anyone?

Chanel comes over to Casey’s mom’s place where Casey is looking through her art. Because she is an artist. Then we get Casey’s side of the story. Her father left her mother for another woman and then she went out with a guy in high school who left he for Erica. Casey is still very sad. Bitch, please. Move on.

I’m feeling like hair-pulling is a definite possibility at this point.

After the break, Joey comes over to Erica’s. They drink wine, because. Joey tells us again how hot Erica was in high school, which is really hard to imagine looking at her now. Joey tells Erica that not only did she sleep with Casey’s boyfriend back then, she also slept with Joey’s boyfriend. Oops. Unlike Casey, Joey’s over it, but she still thinks Erica is a home wrecking cunt.

Next we’re with Casey and her mom. Mom is the most sensible person on the show, and I hope she stays away for her own dignity. Casey is pretty much obsessed with Erica. She should just kiss her I think.

The girls get on the party bus to the Hamptons, but not before some more wallowing in their desperation for a man. The Fidget is wearing 6″ heels that look like they’re five sizes too big for her. Erica rides the stripper pole. She talks about masterbating and The Fidget can’t deal. They drink wine, because.

Jeff picks up Amanda and Babs wants to come along. She does that because she is very lonely, and she’s scared of what will happen if her daughter leaves. Babs: orange on the outside, oh so blue on the inside.

The party bus arrives at the Hamptons place and the Princesses file in. The Fidget finds a stain on her sheets and calls mommy. Really now. But luckily, she brought her own sheets, which she does whenever she goes away, “unless its The Ritz.” Bitch has never been to The Ritz in Paris, dollars to doughnuts.

The Princesses primp for Shabbos dinner, but it looks more like preparations for a busy Saturday night at a Venetian whorehouse. Casey shows up wearing a headband. What is with these bitches and headbands?

And we have our second pointless Manichewitz reference.

The drama begins immediately as Casey blows off Erica when she walks in. Ooo snap.

A quick note on brows. Ladies, power brows do not make up for shallowness, and they certainly do not make your ugly faces pretty. You all need someone new to do your brows.

Shabbos dinner progresses with some Jew shit, Baruch atta Adonai. Erica eats like a fucking pig, hunched over her food, like someone might snatch it from her, and she talks with her mouth open. Casey is growing sicker and sicker. Either kiss her or pull her hair, godamnit! It’s Shabbos!

When Erica goes on a pointless monologue about meditation, Casey has had enough and tells her repeatedly that she is full of shit. Because she is full of shit.

Erica leaves the table, crying because Casey is mean. Casey is also crying because she is living in the past. Somehow, The Fidget refrains from crying.

And then it’s over. Yes, they ended the episode in the middle of a fight, because the show is so lame they needed to stretch the fight out to two episodes. How pathetic.

To sum up:

1. Princesses: Long Island is so Bad for the Jews that it makes me hate the Jews.

2. Jeff is the gayest thing on all of Bravo. Call me Jeff, I’ll get a dildo up your ass before you know it.

3. This show is so lame that they have to stretch a simple fight out to two episodes. Say what you want about the housewives, but this sort of shit is just an appetizer to them.

4. There was no hair-pulling

See you next week.